Welcome to the Hell Hotel
by MYZ-chan
Summary: Life after death, Itachi finds, is no more different than an ordinary work day. Sarcasm is very much intended. Spoilers up to Chapter 393 -DROPPED-
1. Of New Ends and Beginnings

Title: Welcome to Hell Hotel

Rating: T

Warnings: Spoilers up to Chapter 393, crack, drama, hell, slight cursing, a bit of romance later (maybe)

AN: Inspired by Itachi's death and Last Stop Gakuen the RP. Not too good right now, but I'm trying to make it better. I star in it, again, as well as most of my friends. Don't kill me, fan girls. And check out LSG on livejournal. It is made of WIN.

* * *

Itachi was not a man to panic. He was logical, cold, and with only a scrap of humanity left in his stone cold heart. 

Still, he couldn't help but feel a tad bit alarmed at the help desk he was facing. Painted navy blue with blood red roses sliding down the edges that made him sneeze, the desk made it seem rather like his death sentence then a place where he could get information.

It didn't help that when he rang the small, golden bell on the top (still surrounded by those irritating flowers), a young Asian girl popped out from under the desk, her hair covered in red dust. Adjusting her lavender rimmed glasses, she cleared her throat, and began to speak. "Hello, my name is Raven, and welcome to Hell Hotel. May I help you?"

Itachi…blinked. _Who in their right mind names a hotel Hell?_

"Yes, you may. May I inquire how to go back?" he deadpanned.

The girl didn't even bat an eyelash. "I'm sorry sir, but there is no way back."

"…excuse me?"

Raven sighed, propping herself on the desk, and shook her head at him. "I can't believe I have to explain this again. There is no way back. You're dead, Itachi. This is Hell, the Underworld, however you want to call it. You can't go back now."

Again, Itachi blinked, for two different reasons. First reason—he was dead. This was not so surprising, although it made him feel a bit queasy. Second reason—the girl knew his name without him telling her.

"How do you—"

"Your name tag."

_My what?_ He glanced downwards at his chest, where a small, golden name tag resided. Funny. He didn't remember it being there before.

"You get it immediately after you come down here," she explained. "Now hold on a minute, let me get your file." She left the desk, and Itachi could hear her yelling to someone in the back room. Autumn? April? "Get me the file on Uchiha Itachi, age 20. Just came from the ninja universe."

She was back a few minutes later with a very thick file labeled **UCHIHA ITACHI—SINS** in her hands. "Let's see here...murder, homicide, lying to your parents, traumatizing your little brother, using your little brother to get you a new pair of eyes, swearing…" She looked up at him and smirked. "Man, you are one sinful guy, aren't't you?"

He didn't respond. He was still dizzy from blood loss, and was starting to see spots dancing in front of his eyes.

"Here." A boy with curly brown hair pulled into a ponytail (if it could be called a ponytail) and with a name tag that said Brad, pushed over a chair and smiled at him. "You look like you need it."

Itachi nodded at him gratefully, and sat, relieved to be finally off his feet.

He wasn't't relieved for long.

"OK, judgment time!"

_Say what?_ Itachi was surprised to see a frizzy, brown haired girl with the name tag Victoria on it, snap her fingers. Chains sprang out of mid air and wrapped around his ankles, torso, and wrists, binding Itachi effectively to the chair and floor.

The help desk began to grow to about 20 feet higher than before, and transformed into a large, foreboding looking podium. A girl with blonde-brown hair wearing a long, black robe stepped forward onto the podium. Another girl that looked African with a name tag reading LaShonda, also stepped to the side of the podium. "Presenting Judge Mare."

Judge Mare smirked down at Itachi. "So, Mr. Uchiha Itachi. You have committed many sins, yes?" When he didn't respond, she barked, "ANSWER ME, YOU IMBECILE!"

"Yes."

"Good." Again, she smirked. "I'm glad to see that you're being honest with us. Now," she hissed, "Let us call Lord Satan to judge your fate."

_WHAT?!_ "Wait—"

Too late. A large, dark figure rose up out of the ground in front of Itachi. Its glowing red eyes and ominous aura made Itachi feel like he was about to be sick.

The thing, or Satan, grasped Itachi's face in its cold, slimy hands, leaving soot marks where it touched him. Itachi was afraid, he had to admit—who wouldn't be. He was facing a real live demon. He tried to activate his Sharingan, so he wouldn't feel so helpless, but the cold red eyes in front of him left him paralyzed, a feeling he did not approve of.

Finally after what seemed like a hundred years, it released him and spoke. Its hissing, rasping voice almost made Itachi shiver. Almost.

"I sentence this man to work as the hotel bartender. His room will be Room 205, next to the new hotel modeler that arrived a few hours ago."

Itachi was too numb from shock to care if Hell had a bar. The chains unwrapped around him and vanished as Raven and Mare approached. Raven and Mare propped him up and slowly dragged him up a winding staircase towards his new home, while Itachi slowly lost consciousness.


	2. Of Horrible Uniforms and Loss of Dignity

AN: Now co-written with Scorpdog, also known as SMH-chan

* * *

Itachi awoke some time later (he couldn't tell how long, since there was no time in Hell) in a rather nice hotel room. It was fashioned the way he liked, black so it wouldn't hurt his eyes with some red splotches on the walls and ceiling, and a small bathroom with the same design. There was a refrigerator standing next to the bed. In the corner, next to the glossy mahogany door that led to the hallway (Itachi guessed this), there were several black suitcases in good shape.

_Is this really Hell?_ Itachi wondered.

He sat up, and blinked. His wounds were all gone, with no trace left behind.

Still feeling his stomach area in uncertainty, he walked over to the suitcases and picked up a small yellow note on the biggest one.

_Dear Uchiha Itachi,_

_Welcome to the Hell Hotel! Here, we hope you enjoy your stay as much as you can for the rest of eternity, and your profession, of course. You have been assigned as the new bartender for the Hell Hotel._

_If you need any help, we will provide it, at a cost (Don't forget your deadly sins! This is what you're here for Itachi-kun.). You will have to do a favor for them in return, no questions asked. We prefer you do this on Halloween—it'll be much easier so that you can save them from an untimely demise in the punch._

_Your new neighbor will come to greet you shortly after reading this message._

_Thank you!_

_-Satan and his little girls (and boy)_

"…Itachi-_kun_?!" he muttered as he put the note on the bedside table for future reference.

There was a knock at the door, and Itachi went to open it. The person greeting him made him blink a few times, and think that he was most probably hallucinating.

"Welcome to the Hell Hotel, un. My name is Deidara, and I'm—" Deidara cut himself short, and stared at Itachi. "_Uchiha?!_"

Itachi quickly gathered his composure and responded. "Deidara."

"_What the fucking Hell, un?!_" Deidara roared. "_You're supposed to be my neighbor?!_"

"Apparently so," Itachi deadpanned. He watched, amused slightly as Deidara's face started to turn purple with rage and shock.

"_NO! THERE IS NO WAY I'M HAVING A FUCKING GIRLY BOY AS MY NEIGHBOOR! ESPECIALLY YOU!_" Deidara shook a fist in Itachi's stoic face.

"Speak for yourself," Itachi droned as he turned around and walked back inside, grabbing a can out of the fridge that read _Coke_ on the side. He popped open the top and gulped it down, making a face. To him, it tasted like dirty dishwater thrown several times in sweet-and-sour sauce to make it taste better. Needless to say, it didn't work.

Deidara grinned at Itachi. "What, Mr. Prodigy Uchiha can't take a little _Coke_?"

Itachi ignored the jibe, and tossed the can neatly into the disposal. "So, you are the hotel modeler?"

Deidara snorted. "Yeah. The bastards are finally appreciating my art, un." He scowled. "I've got a co-worker though. Fucking stupid."

Itachi looked at Deidara contemptuously. "Deidara. Being the hotel modeler means that you must create the hotel design. You may not blow it up. I'm sure your co-worker would not appreciate that."

Deidara scowled. "I know, it fucking sucks. At least they appreciate my design talent, un." He tossed his long, blonde hair over his shoulders and looked at Itachi. Then he grinned again. "I still can't believe you're a _bartender_."

Itachi said nothing, and began rummaging through his fridge for more food to devour.

Suddenly, Raven's voice boomed out of nowhere. "ATTENTION ALL HOTEL EMPLOYEES. THIS IS RAVEN. WORK STARTS IN TEN MINUTES. BE DOWNSTAIRS IN THE LOBBY BY THEN. IF YOU AREN'T, WELL—YOU'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS." Raven's voice then disappeared, and left two badly shaken former ninjas standing in Itachi's room.

Itachi stood, and headed for the door. "I suppose we should go then."

* * *

They soon arrived in the lobby, Itachi dressed in his usual attire, minus the Akatsuki cloak, and Deidara clad in a pair of old jeans and no shirt. LaShonda grinned at Deidara's attire while Raven looked merely amused. A brown haired girl with several packages hung over her elbow glanced at them and raised her eyebrows.

"You guys should get in your uniforms," she said softly. "Or Satan will get mad."

Deidara smirked. "What uniforms?"

She held out her arm. "These uniforms."

Deidara stared. "Oh hell no."

* * *

Itachi had never felt more ridiculous in his life. Well, besides that time when Madara got drunk, came to practice and—

Never mind.

Discreetly, he tried to tug down the all too short skirt riding up his ass, the bubblegum pink and sherbet green clashing together to form an odd, striped maid uniform with a touch of canary yellow on the apron on the front. The front pocket was embroidered with little tiny demon silhouettes dancing around and around till just looking at them made him feel dizzy. His hair was tied up with a frilly baby-blue ribbon that cascaded down to the middle of his back, and his shoes—oh Kami, his shoes. High-heeled beasts that teetered around when he tried to move, they were a shiny polished black, with knee-high socks to go with the image.

Deidara was currently on the floor rolling with laughter. Itachi glared. "Be silent Deidara. At least I don't look like an overgrown kindergartner."

Deidara immediately shut up and glowered at Itachi, who was right—he did resemble an overgrown kindergartner, with his paint covered smock and giant white coat that was much too long for him.

Suddenly, the two men felt a chill behind them as a pair of hands cascaded on their shoulders. Slowly they turned to find LaShonda smiling much too widely and holding out something to each of them. "You forgot your hairpins," she chirruped.

Itachi stared in horror. The pins were neon-pink, with baby-blue rhinestones that embroidered a giant double H. Even worse, the woman found it necessary to clip the two hideous things to their heads herself grinning all the while maniacally and humming 'I'm a Barbie Girl' to herself and slightly off key. A few moments later of painful scalp pinching she stepped back to admire her work. She giggled. "You two look so cute!" she squealed.

"Like hell he does!" Deidara snapped. "Maybe me, but probably not, un!" He tugged at his smock, looking downcast and embarrassed. "This is so god damn weird."

He couldn't have described it any better, as another girl (whom Itachi recognized as 'Judge Mare') burst into the room, screaming, "Is it done, is it done?! Oh my God, I wanna see!" She glanced over at them, and then started to howl with laughter, doubling over. "My sides," she choked out. "Oh God, my sides…"

Raven's mouth curled up into a reluctant smile. "You can stop acting like a lunatic Mare, and come help me get them to their stations."

Mare waved a hand dismissively. "Oh sure, that's easy. Um…" She glanced at Deidara (while quite obviously trying to hold in her laughter at his little kid appearance) and pointed dramatically at him, despite being at least a foot shorter than him. Actually, Itachi now realized, they were all at least a foot shorter than them, except the brown haired girl that seemed to also be the only one with half a heart. "Deidara-chan! You go to the side of the building and…well, I don't know, do some shit. There's paint over there by the archway."

Deidara scowled at first, then, realizing that this meant he was given free reign over what he could do to the wall, grinned and began running over there as fast as he could.

The brown-haired girl sighed. "Mare, I think you just sentenced that wall to death."

Mare blinked. "I did? Oh well, never mind. Rosie will stop him." She then turned towards Itachi, who tensed as her eyes gleamed with mirth. "C'mon, let's go. Raven, you want to come?"

Raven pushed her glasses back up the bridge of her nose and nodded slightly, striding over and grasping Itachi by the arm. Mare grasped his other arm, grinning as the three began to march away to who-knows-where. Inwardly, Itachi felt his dignity die. The stupid skirt was still riding up his ass.


	3. Of Kicks to the Behind and Realizations

In which Hidan is an bastard and Mare is kick-ass.

Co-written with Scorpdog.

* * *

Itachi had to admit he was impressed with the bar. The counter was made of cherry-wood, the tables surrounded by red velvet revolving chairs. A disco ball laid smack dab in the middle of the ceiling, and the floor's black tiles were speckled with white, just like the night sky.

Raven smirked at his raised eyebrows. "Nice, huh? Rosie designed it."

"I take it that Rosie is Deidara's fellow hotel designer," Itachi said tonelessly. He carefully shook his arms out of their grasps (despite Mare's protests) and strode over to run his hands over the slick countertop.

"Yep," Mare grinned, craning her neck over her shoulder. "Hey Raven, didn't you say that there was another bartender around here somewhere?"

Raven nodded, frowning slightly and looking at the doorway. After a minute, she peeked over behind the doorframe and relaxed slightly. "They're coming. Cover your ears."

Itachi didn't see what she meant, but when he heard a barrage of curse words assault his eardrums until he thought they would burst, he wished he had listened to her. Fortunately, this barrage of curse words was very familiar, and he watched bemusedly as LaShonda and Victoria pulled in a protesting Hidan with the boy Itachi recognized as Brad in tow. Brad looked apprehensive, which was no surprise. Hidan was slowly turning the color of puce. Itachi could see why. Hidan was dressed in the same getup as Itachi, the only difference being that the ribbons in his silver hair were magenta.

Hidan's shouts died away when he caught sight of Itachi. At first, all he did was stare—then, two minutes of him slowly absorbing his appearance, he collapsed into full-blown laughter, holding his stomach.

Itachi stared down at him with his ebony eyes. Hidan didn't notice, as he was too busy crying with laughter.

How foolish.

Itachi turned away and began to attempt to stare down Raven. It didn't work on her either, though she did stare back patronizingly.

"You know it's rude to stare, right?" she asked.

"Hidan is my partner," he said flatly.

"Obviously," Victoria laughed. She discreetly handed LaShonda a can of chips from the bar, and LaShonda would have accepted it if Brad hadn't cut in at the last minute.

"Guys."

"Sorry, sorry," LaShonda said, holding up her hands guiltily. "Won't happen again." She placed the can back on the table.

"Hm." Raven turned back to Itachi and adjusted her glasses. "Well, as Vicky so kindly pointed out, yes, Hidan is your fellow bartender. The rules are as such." She whipped off a sheet of paper from her clipboard (Itachi noticed that she carried it around her on her belt) and smacked it into his hands.

Itachi glanced down at it and stared in horror.

Hidan managed to collect himself long enough to stand and wobble over to glance at the sheet of paper as well. "Hey red-eye, what's the big de—" He stopped short and paled at the sight. "Fuck, no way."

"Yes way," Raven smirked.

Itachi finally managed to blink and began to read out loud. "Bartending rules: Number one: You must attend to all the customers, no matter who or what they've done to you. Number two: You must be polite to all the customers, no matter who or what they've done to you. Number three: You must not maul the customers, no matter who or what they've done to you. Number four—" He took a slightly forced intake of air before continuing. "Number four: You must remember that even if your skirt is a bit too short, you cannot reach down and adjust it. It brings more customers if you don't." Itachi looked up slowly and gravely. "Those are the rules."

"Fuck no! Who says we have to do this shit?" snarled Hidan, whipping himself around to face her.

"Says Satan," Raven snarled back. "And you better follow every rule on there you two, or else."

"There won't be an 'or else'," Hidan sneered. "Jashin-sama is coming for me. Once he gets me, I'm out of this shit hole for good."

"Oh please," she scoffed, "If he didn't come for you in the pit, what makes you think he'll come for you now when you're under another God's control?"

There was a long silence. Brad stared at her in horror. Victoria and Mare winced at the obvious mark of pain on Hidan's face. LaShonda whistled. "Oh boy."

Itachi just looked at the two people in conflict with some sort of interest.

Raven had frozen for a minute as well as her face began contorting with regret at the harshness of her words. However, the regret vanished as soon as Hidan reacted.

Hidan had turned an interesting shade of greenish-white before darkening to puce. "You bitch!" he roared, and lunged for her throat. "I'm going to fucking—"

"Sacrifice me?" she scoffed again with more anger then was necessary, sidestepping him as he crashed into the wall. Itachi winced as he narrowly missed the countertop of the bar. "Yeah, that's a wise idea in Hell. Really wise. I'm dead too, remember?"

Itachi suddenly realized this was true. Everyone in the room in fact, was dead. How did they die, he wondered. He would be sure to investigate later.

"Shut the hell up!" Hidan growled, swiveling back to face her, panting like a maniac.

Mare snickered for a brief second.

"What?" Hidan roared, turning his rage on her.

"Dude," she snorted, "You're flashing back there." She pointed to his backside,

"Like I care, bitch!" He lunged back at Raven.

However, he never got there. He had received a very well placed kick to the behind and was now lying on the floor in humiliation, courtesy of Mare.

The girl's eyes burned with anger that Itachi didn't know even existed before this. "Don't ever call me that again," she hissed. "Or any of the employees here. Any kind of insult and I will kick you somewhere else that will cause the kind of pain you will not enjoy." She marched over, looped her arm through Raven's and began pulling her to the doorway. "Come on Rae. Let's go get some chocolate."

Itachi was amused to see Raven's lips twitch up in a smile. "Sure." She turned back just in time to call to Itachi, "Make sure you read those rules again before doing anything! And make Hidan read them again too, just in case." She then turned to her fellow employers and said, "You guys coming or not? Let's go."

The employees then began filing out of the room, Brad being the last to leave. He paused in the doorway, then turned back. "Um, just so you know," he said, "Satan will come to check on you in a while. He likes thinking of his employees as his 'children'." Brad started to walk again, then muttered something under his breath and walked back over. He extracted a box of band-aids from his pocket and handed it to Itachi, who raised his eyebrows. "Don't worry," Brad whispered. "They extend like magic. They're a lot more useful than those bandages then you guys use. They'll come in handy." And with that, he strode out, calling after the girls to wait for him.

Itachi's eyebrows rose even higher as he stared at the box. He looked back at from which Brad had left, then at Hidan cursing on the floor and allowed a tiny smirk to grace his features. Well. Seems like the brunette wasn't the only one with half a heart.

But Satan coming here…Itachi's blood chilled when he recalled those hands grasping at his face and the scent of death vibrating around him. Those red eyes that pierced right through him and into his core, made him want to scream with terror and flee for his life.

Apparently, Hidan had similar thoughts, as he stopped griping and glanced up. "Did that brat say Satan?" Itachi nodded. "Fuck no! That bastard's creepy." Hidan scowled. "Is he really coming?"

Itachi was faintly amused. Hidan was so childish at times. "Yes Hidan, he is." The words gave an odd finality on the subject that finally convinced Itachi that there was no way to escape the confrontation. He would have to bear with it. "And you will not be leaving this bar, Hidan. I will be watching you." Damn it, if he was going to have to go through with this, then Hidan would too, no matter what.

"Fuck!"


End file.
